Episode 3: My Motherhood Journey
Hello, hello, welcome back everyone! Alright, so this episode is something that I have shared off and on throughout ever since having kids. The theme or title is My Mother Heard Journey So Far.
There was a great article in The New York Times by Alexandra Sacks titled The Birth of a Mother and she talks about many great things about in the article, one of which is matrescence, which is something that someone coined I think in the 70s, 1970s.
Matrescence basically means like the process of becoming a mother. Emotionally, mentally, and physically, she talks about how it's like puberty. Our hormones change, our bodies change, the chemicals shift in our brains, but there is so much baggage, I don't know if that's the right word, with motherhood where we're not expected to change, like our bodies or our looks or our mood swings. It's not looked upon as okay sometimes. Anyways, that's another topic, but but in all, so many things change, but we also have so many pressures that we're living through.
So anyway, I'm going to just kind of just tell my story and I thought this would hopefully be good in that I know that all women have such unique experiences and feelings, but I feel like we also often have similar experiences as well. So hopefully sharing my experience can maybe help someone else not feel alone and feel like, I don't know, that if you have a similar situation or similar stories that you can relate and reach out if you have any questions or have, I don't know, just need some support or something.
So so alright, so I'm going to start with my first pregnancy, my first child, London, she turned seven recently. So looking back, I, Garen and I got pregnant pretty fast and it was on purpose. We, I kind of felt like my whole life, I had wanted to become a mom and also been taught that that was like kind of what I was supposed to do.
So, so so think because of both of those things, I was excited to start having kids right away. That was wonderful. However, I didn't really start like a career or like, I don't know, like something that was for me, if that makes sense. When I was pregnant, I finished school and got my bachelor's and then I worked at a flower shop as a florist and I loved that was a lot of fun. While Garen was finishing up, I was also doing substitute teaching. So I was just doing kind of like jobs here and there.
And then we moved away from family, friends to Texas for my husband's grad school. And moving is always hard. I've moved a lot, as you might know, if you listen to a second episode. So So wasn't moving itself is not new to me. But I know that no matter what, moving anywhere new is hard.
And so I think I was 20 weeks pregnant when we moved 20 or 21 weeks. And luckily, we had like a connection when we got there, someone that Garen knew from his high school. That was like friends with his older sister. And that connection and that friendship was amazing. Stephanie, Stephanie Johnson, she's out there listening. She saved my life, honestly.
Moving there, we just became friends right away. And we and she was pregnant too. And so and we were around the same time, do around the same time. So we just kind of helped each other through not only pregnancy, but also postpartum and and having our girls grow up. So that was really special.
But I we moved there beginning of summer and I was due at the end of summer. So I had like three months in the extreme heat of Texas. Being in my third trimester, first time being pregnant. And I feel like your first time being pregnant, everything is just really hard. I mean, I think pregnancy for me, pregnancy is just really hard in general. But especially that first time because it was all new, right?
And my body was changing, my hormones, chemicals in my brain, like everything was just insane. And I didn't realize it at the time, but I was depressed and had major anxiety. And I didn't have anything to distract me because I couldn't find a job. And at the time, I I there at least there weren't a lot of like online jobs or like remote jobs that I at least knew of. That was a lot less common. So I and nobody I didn't believe anyone wanted to like hire a pregnant woman who's going to be leaving on maternity leave in like two months, you know.
So I just had a lot of time on my hands, which was not good. And I was just like all of my focus was on being pregnant. And so that was really hard. Yeah, so I just share that in case anyone else is going through similar thing. I see you, I feel you, it's tricky.
So anyway, so I had London. And again, that like and OK, so to me, so I am pregnant with my fourth right now. So I have three kids, a fourth on the way. I still, for me personally, that first pregnancy birth, taking care of that first baby has been the hardest by far out of the rest. And I think it was just because it was the first time and I was figuring everything out.
After giving birth, you bleed for a long time. You are sore. Learning to breastfeed is very tricky and very painful. Something is something you have to learn, right? And And you know, all of that. Plus, you're not getting a lot of sleep. My husband's in a very, within a very demanding master's program. So I and I was home and so he tried to help. But also, I think I was just like, you know, like you have to school tomorrow, like I can sleep when she sleeps, whatever. Like I'll take care of it. And looking back, I wish I had allowed him to help more. He was very willing. And also, I think I just didn't know how he could help because I was trying to figure it out and I was breastfeeding all that. And he couldn't. Other pregnancies have been better. We've kind of figured out a good balance, but the first one is really hard. So anyway, it was it was very hard.
I had a very, very tough time. And at the same time, I just was absolutely in love with my girl. I just loved her and I love her so much. I don't don't to put that past tense. Love her so much. And I loved being her mom. It was like that motherhood dream had come true. And it was beautiful and wonderful and so fulfilling.
And at the same time, it was horrible. And I hope I'm not the only one that felt this way. I felt trapped. It's hard when I didn't have anything else. You You I had friends that were very willing to help, but they also had their babies. I didn't have family close by. I didn't have a job. I just focused like all of my focus was on that baby. And I think that just sucked like life out of me when I couldn't give myself anything, you know. And I was extremely anxious and depressed.
I would wake up. I would have, you know, terrifying dreams of London dying somehow. And I would just wake up breathing like extremely heavy breathing, trying to get breath. Just Just hyperventilating sometimes. And that anxious sleep plus the feedings at night meant I was not getting like any sleep. And the sleep I was getting was not great. And so, you know, it was a vicious cycle. But of course, like, of course, I was just doing my best, you know. I was loving London and it was very hard at the same time.
I didn't realize I was depressed until about the eight or nine month mark. So it was a long time of a struggle and at the same time loving it, you know. It's a weird, weird dichotomy.
But I didn't realize I was depressed until I read like an online article about it. And I clearly remember rocking London in the rocking chair in her room with like pitch black. Feeding her and like just reading things on my phone. I would try to read like articles or books or whatever, look on Instagram or you know, what not. And I was reading these articles and I came up on one with about postpartum depression. And I read like the symptoms and things and I just remember like just breaking out in sobs.
Because I had every single symptom. And I just all of a sudden like realized, oh my gosh, like I am all of these things. Like I'm depressed, I have postpartum depression. And I was scared out, you know, what does this mean? What do I have to do? And then of course in my depressive anxious state where you don't think clearly, I immediately was terrified that they were going to take London from me. Like that was my initial thought.
And of course like someone thinking rationally, like you know that's not going to happen. And unfortunately there are situations where that happens. But But think for the most part, I think it's called postpartum psychosis. But But you do need to be, to just be taken away and have your own space to heal, which I 100% support and I imagine that must be very scary and a hard situation. So I'm definitely not waving that off. But But don't think I was that, well I know I wasn't at that point, but I wasn't thinking clearly still.
And anyway, so I didn't even know like where to start. Like what do I do? How do I help this? I remember sobbing to Darren, my husband, like I have postpartum depression, like I need help. I don't know what to do. And I think what happened was we called like my OB and she had me come in. So I talked to her and then I had to call like a therapist and because I wanted to like talk to someone. My OB said like I could take medication and I wasn't against medication, but I wanted to talk to someone else first. So I first went to therapist and then and of course you have to like wait forever. To like go on a waiting list and then use a therapist. It It like months.
And then she pretty good. She also mentioned medication so I decided to try it. And I remember the OB telling me that like, hey, like, okay, here's like your prescription for the medication. Just you know, like it takes a couple weeks for your body to like get used to it and like for it to like work to its full potential. So I was was okay, like expecting, you know, it's not gonna, it's not gonna help for a couple weeks. But I remember the first day I took that medication. It felt like a cloud lifted from my brain. It was so crazy. It was like I was seeing clearly, thinking clearly for the first time in a very long time. And so I'm very grateful for that medication. I I anyone who wants to try it. I know it's not for everyone, but I had a good experience with it with that first time.
So that was my experience with London. And I focused a lot more on the hard things, but there were so many beautiful. Things there that I remember and that I love and that I will cherish. And I wanted to share those hard things in case there were someone else that could relate to as well.
My second pregnancy with Eloise. She's two years apart from London. So London was still pretty little. She was not even, well, I guess she had just turned two when I had Eloise. Eloise's pregnancy and postpartum was like night and day difference from London. I think part of that is I was continuing to take the medication, which I think helped a lot. And it was my second pregnancy. And so I knew more what to expect. Same with postpartum. I gave myself a lot more grace. I was just in a much better place mentally. I was doing things that gave me purpose and that I enjoyed and that were for me. Like I was teaching high fitness and I was doing family photography and I was blogging a little here and there. Just things that I loved and enjoyed and that was something separate that I could put my brain to use. And And gave me just more purpose and fulfillment just for me.
And it also helped that Eloise was an incredible baby. She has been my easiest baby so far. She slept amazingly well, which makes a huge difference as all of you mothers know. She was just so sweet. She rarely cried and so that made a huge difference as well. And also London, she was a very hard baby but she was a great toddler. So having London in that great toddler stage where she really was so great. Very rare to have temper tantrums. Usually I would do what I asked her and then Eloise was an easy baby. It was just a magical year with them.
And so that also helped a lot. So that was great. I had a great experience. I loved it. It It just and we were in a better place. We were in like a better living conditions, a better place with Karen's schooling. Like everything was just better. Still hard but just in a better place.
I also have this theory that and I have no scientific evidence to back this up. But I do feel like this is true for me. For some reason each pregnancy has affected me hormonally different. So London I felt like completely threw me out of whack. Like just like pushed me off the side of the cliff. Eloise I felt like it like brought me back a little bit to be in a better place. Bennett however my third pregnancy my third baby pushed me off the cliff again. And this fourth pregnancy I'm doing much better. And so I don't know if it's just my body like seesaw like different like just I don't know. It falls one way one time and then comes back the other way the second time. Another reason why this is probably our last baby because I do not want to be pushed the other way. But anyway that's my theory.
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Back to the Episode...
Okay so it was Bennett. He was my third pregnancy. So again, yes I had another. a more difficult time with him. Let's see. I think also I'm trying to remember I did stop taking medication and I can't remember if it was before pregnancy or if it was after I had been it. I cannot remember. But I did recognize my medication. It was working and was helping and at the same time I realized that like my highs weren't as high. I grown as joyful as they could be. My lows weren't as low either. And so like that helped but then it took away from my joy I felt like I noticed and I didn't want that. And so I decided to stop taking it and I haven't taken it since actually and just trying to find other ways to feel better. Which has worked so far. I mean I have hard times here and there but I haven't gone back to the medication since then. That's just a side note there.
So pregnancy with Ben it was hard. Having young kids you know what I still stand by that first pregnancy and birth and baby years being the hardest. However having three young kids is so hard. So hard. Anyone out there doing that right now I just tip my hat to you.
It is hard when you have three young kids. I think that is like the breaking point. It's interesting because like being pregnant with my fourth. It's a little bit different because London is older and she's more independent. She can get more stuff. Same with Elly. She's older. I really think that third baby if you have them close together I think is the hardest time ever. Just because of the ages of the kids and going to three is hard anyway because you're no longer man to man defense. You're now zone defense. Lots of things change. So I think for me three was hard.
This pregnancy and birth and baby were really interesting. Of course again like I love my children. I've loved being their mother and they really are like the world to me and I would do anything for them at the same time. It is a tricky balance being a mom and a parent trying to take care of your children especially little ones that you literally have to do everything for. Like get a cup of water if they need water or change their diaper. Help them go take a nap. Help them get toys. All those things. You are literally doing everything for them. It is very hard to do things for yourself and I think during this time after having been it I was going through an interesting time where I was coming to kind of the realization of some of my beliefs that I had in my head and were like playing in my head. I had been taught growing up.
I am part of a church and grew up in the same church that taught very strongly that like the women need to be mothers and that's like the most important thing and like the most fulfilling thing and like what's the word? But yeah like that's your role in life. And while I agree that like I would never trade motherhood for anything and I'm so grateful to be a mother at the same time I am a person and I you know need to do things that I'm interested in that I have talent in that I give me purpose. That doesn't have to do with taking care of someone else.
And so I really struggled and I also kind of became angry at all this teaching that I had that I felt like had kind of hoodwinked me a little bit of like that this is going to be my end all be all that like this is the one thing that would bring me like that would bring joy in my life. And when I was struggling with motherhood I struggled with those teachings and thinking like I need other things and it's interesting because talking with lots of women lots of friends.
I would say and this has no scientific evidence this is just me and my light research talking to other women. Nine out of ten women I would say need something else besides motherhood to feel complete happiness and fulfillment and purpose. I would say one out of ten women are completely happy just staying home with the kids and being their mom which is so wonderful I'm so happy that that works for you.
But I really think about nine eight or nine out of ten women need other things and I think it's interesting because I think it's flipped like people believe and see like oh like I'm fine I'll be fine just being home being a mom. And I and again like I think that's so wonderful if that works for you. However I do feel like and again maybe this is just me but I have talked to a lot of women and I do feel like many women feel the same is that you need to use your brain and your talents and other ways to find purpose and fulfillment. So I just feel like I have been trying to search for that. Well I think we're all trying to find kind of our purpose in life and that's a lifetime journey. But it is tricky being a mom with young kids and trying to find that outside of the home because you have to find childcare or some way for you to be able to get that time and that is very hard.
But throughout this time I've tried many different things. I did an internship I worked online for some things and some people and that really helped me a lot and it gave me just other things to work on other women to talk to and look up to and yeah I've loved all the experiences I've had so far and I'm continuing to grow and have. I wanted to share a little bit about a little bit more about I think I've really grown in my motherhood ever since having been it well I mean obviously it's all the kids.
But I feel like I've really been purposeful and intentional about finding out more who I am, what I enjoy, what I want to do with my life and that understanding and knowing that my kids they need a mom who feels good and that is happy. And they are not in charge of my happiness they can't they cannot have that responsibility of making me happy. I have that responsibility of making me happy and so just finding things that that do. And I think that can be so many things for many people I think even the simple act of doing crafts at night or getting a full time job or a part time job or reading books that you like to read joining a book club a paint club you know anything it could be so many things.
I am excited, curious and a little bit nervous to see how baby 4 baby number 4 goes. Again so far I do feel better hormonally and emotionally this pregnancy than others which has been awesome.
One of the best advice pieces of advice I've gotten since having kids was from my aunt Sally. She said just with each kid lower your expectations even more. So I am lowering my expectations all the way down I am with this baby. I am just planning on eating this baby up and just relaxing not pushing pressure putting pressure on myself and my family to any sort of perfectionism or anything at all. We might not have any routines maybe we will I don't know we'll see if that's helpful or not. But I am just going to go along for the ride because I think this is our last and I want to enjoy the minutes that I have and I know that goes by really quick so we're just going to enjoy it.
I feel like I can look back on my mother had journey with a lot of fondness and smiles and with some ache because I know the pain that it took to get here. But I look back and I give myself total grace and total love. I was a young new mom trying my best to figure things out and it's never been perfect nor will it ever be. But now having done it for seven years I can tell you that the hard times pass and the good times only get sweeter.
I know I have a lot more to go and I have a lot more to learn and I can't wait. It's going to be awesome. I just wanted to add some things at the end. I wanted to talk a little bit more about the birth of a mother article by Alexander Sachs and then also talk a little bit more about postpartum depression symptoms and what you can do to help with that if anyone is experiencing that.
Just some interesting things from the birth of a mother article from Alexander Sachs. She talks a little bit about postpartum depression. She says 10-15% of women experience postpartum depression and that is hugely undiagnosed and under researched because I'm sure a lot of women have it but don't mention it or aren't diagnosed with it. Really interesting numbers and that doesn't even include the huge amount of difficulties of becoming a mother.
You don't have to have postpartum depression to have a hard time. It's really interesting too how she talks about mothers and babies are watched incredibly closely for nine months and then after the birth the babies continue to look after which is great. But a mother is sent home ripped open still bleeding incredibly sore and just expected to patch herself back up while she learns to completely take care of a human being. I mean no wonder it's freaking hard and women struggle. I also thought of some ways that you can do to help with your motherhood journey especially for having a hard time.
So these are just things that I've come up with and also learned throughout the years and also read in places where I can't tell you where.
Here we go, the first one.
Recognize that the perfect mother that you fantasize about and you think you see on Instagram is not real. What you see on Instagram, Pinterest, TikTok, anywhere, you see a highlight reel of people's life. So be kind to yourself. I have been a mother for seven years and I am eons from perfection and I will never reach it. And no one ever does even though it may seem like it. I promise you the perfect mother does not exist. You are doing great. You are who your kids need and give yourself grace and love.
Another thing that can help is checking in with yourself personally and asking yourself specific questions as well as having asking multiple loved ones check in on you and asking you specific questions. I think this helps because I think it's hard when like a spouse might notice that you're depressed but also they're with you all the time. And so I think sometimes it's hard to kind of pick up on but if you have other loved ones who visit or call and ask you specific questions to just make sure and see how you're doing that can really help.
So I also looked up some of these questions from the Mayo Clinic website. Symptoms of depression. There's baby blues symptoms as well as postpartum depression symptoms.
So baby blues are a little bit different than postpartum. Baby blues from what I hear is just, you know, you're just sad, I think is the word. And but it's not quite as intense from what I've heard as postpartum depression but still definitely something to mention to your OB or someone that can help you because you don't have to stay like this. You can definitely get help and get better. You do not have to do this alone.
Okay. So many people love you and want to help. So here are symptoms of the baby blues that you can ask yourself if you're feeling or have someone else ask you and see how you're doing.
So for baby blues, there's mood swings, anxiety, sadness, irritability, feeling overwhelmed, crying, reduced concentration, appetite problems, and trouble sleeping.
So postpartum depression symptoms are a little bit more intense, like I said, and last longer. The Mayo Clinic says these may eventually interfere with your ability to care for your baby and handle other daily tasks. Symptoms usually develop within the first few weeks after giving birth, but they may begin earlier during pregnancy like it did for me or later up to a year after birth.
So postpartum depression symptoms may include depressed mood or severe mood swings, crying too much, difficulty bonding with your baby, withdrawing from family and friends, loss of appetite or eating much more than usual, inability to sleep, called insomnia or sleeping too much, overwhelming tiredness or loss of energy, less interest and pleasure in activities you use to enjoy, intense irritability and anger, fear that you're not a good mother, hopelessness, feelings of worthlessness, shame, guilt or inadequacy, reduced ability to think clearly, concentrate or make decisions, restlessness, severe anxiety and panic attacks, thoughts of harming yourself or your baby, recurring thoughts of death or suicide.
So again, if you feel like you have some of those symptoms, I would suggest talking to your OB or finding a therapist you can talk to or a good friend or a spouse or a family member to just talk to and tell them how you're feeling and you can go from there.
But like I said, you got this. You're not broken. There are many ways and many people that can help and it's just a hard time. It's just hard. Becoming a mom, taking care of babies is very, very hard. So you got this.
Another tip, I guess, I don't know, of something that can help you if you're having a hard time is find a community of support. That can look like people you live close to, friends, or it can be people you don't live close to, like family, if you don't live close to family, just staying in touch with people on, from the phone. It can be friends you made at the gym, from your church, people you meet at the park or a book club. It's just a lot better to talk things out out loud.
In Alexandra Sacks' article, she says, knowing the causes of distress and feeling comfortable talking about them with others is critical to growing into a well-adjusted mother. So make sure you talk to people.
Another tip that I want to add is find something else that is just for you to give you purpose. I mentioned some of these earlier. Like, if you do crafts that night, if you find a job, a book club, or just something that lights you up, gets you thinking about other things, and gives you purpose. That makes such a huge difference.
Alright, so those are kind of my tips and help with if you're having a hard time with becoming just, I don't know, on your motherhood journey.
Again, I am so excited for this fourth baby to come. And just so grateful, even though, even though motherhood is so hard, it is also so wonderful. And again, I didn't really focus on the wonderful parts this time, but it is just life-changing. And I love my kids so fiercely. They bring me so much joy, and I am so grateful for them. And I love when they get older, and can help take care of themselves. And I love talking to them and getting to know their fun, cute personalities.
So, I hope that you are having a good experience through your motherhood journey. And it's okay if you're not right now. But make sure you look at my tips, find support, find community, find a purpose, and hopefully that can help. But again, you're doing great, you're doing better than you think. And you've got this. Alright, signing off for now. Love always. Bye.
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